On August 11, 2007, I received the diagnosis of Breast Cancer. My life changed forever….amazingly for the better
Three years ago, I was a different person. If you were ever tasked with finding an example of a true “worry wart,” you would only need to peek into the life of the old me. Stress and worry over worldly matters controlled my days and my perspective was narrow and distracted. However, through a beautiful transformation, I left that burdensome identity behind and learned to live in the moment. I’d like to share this journey with you.
I grew up in a very loving family. The methods of structure and simplicity I learned from my parents as a child evolved into what I expect today. Although the demands of the day make it difficult to maintain this balance, I will never give up on it. I’m a “home” girl. There is nothing that sounds better to me than my children’s laughter, nothing that looks better to me than my husband’s smile, and nothing that compares to an ordinary backyard-family barbeque.
Years before my diagnosis, life was all but simple. As a mother of a teenager challenged with uncertainties and a few heartbreaking decisions, I felt that it was my responsibility to fix everything, yet my attempts to do so only failed. In the midst of adversities, I sought answers, but instead received conflicting advice from every different direction I turned. I worried endlessly, day and night, as most mothers do. I began to lose sight of the little things that really matter in life.
Day after day, I struggled with the discontent among loved ones and I could feel myself pulling away to avoid the heartache. I lost touch with dear friends in order to avoid having to face unwanted questions that either I could not answer, or didn’t want to consider. Perhaps, I feared revealing muddy shoes of blame towards myself for not having the answers. One day, at rock bottom and in complete despair, I walked out onto our deck and broke down and cried. I held my hands up, cupped together, and surrendered my worrying to God, asking Him to heal my life of brokenness and lead me down the path He planned for me. I made a promise that I would follow His plan for my life and asked that he use me in the lives of those that need me. There were days that followed in which my faith was tested and the accuser was tempting me with worry, but I refused to take back what I had laid at the foot of the Cross.
One summer night soon thereafter, I awoke from a deep sleep when my hand came out from under the covers and landed on a hard, grainy lump in my left breast. It felt different than anything I had ever felt before. With my heart pounding in my chest, I sat straight up in the bed. Without a doubt, cancer had always been my biggest fear. Even as a child, I was forever terrified of hearing the words, “You have cancer.” No friend or family member of mine had ever been diagnosed with cancer, but the mere thought of it haunted me. I knew nothing about it other than the fact that its treatment resulted in hair loss, and ultimately, it could be deadly. My annual exam and mammogram were already scheduled in roughly a month, so I denied intuition and chose to ignore the lump until that time. Even though apprehension lingered in the back of my mind, I refused to accept my potential condition because of my life-long fear of cancer.
Weeks later at the appointment with my gynecologist, I shed my denial and forced myself to inform her of my lump. She examined it, immediately sent me for an x-ray, and scheduled an appointment for me to see a surgeon, Dr. Phillip Ley. After further examination by Dr. Ley, he scheduled an MRI. The MRI revealed a very large tumor almost five centimeters in size, and nearly two inches in diameter. Dr. Ley informed me that a biopsy was necessary.
On August 11, 2007, the morning after the biopsy, I called Dr. Ley to find out the results. It was then when I heard the dreaded words, “You have breast cancer.” I was informed that, effective immediately, my next year would involve eight rounds of chemotherapy, a mastectomy, radiation, and reconstruction. It took quite a while to articulate my feelings upon hearing those words. I was numb. It was as if I was watching someone else’s life unfold from afar – not my own. It was impossible to grasp the true state of my health because I didn’t feel sick. I was at a loss in terms of responding to Dr. Ley’s diagnosis. Between treatments and effects of the disease, there was so much I did not know. I remember asking whether chemo or radiation causes patients to lose their hair. He responded sympathetically, “It is the chemo, sweetheart.” At that moment, for the first time, it occurred to me that no amount of worry or fear was going to change the inevitable. I knew this adversity was beyond me.
Moments later, after accepting my circumstances, I began to process the hand I was dealt and in turn, became remarkably fearless. I had an incredible, beautiful feeling of peace that only comes from God. I could feel Him next to me, holding my hand. For the first time in my life, I was not scared or worried about anything. I knew God was in control, had a plan for me, and was answering my prayers. Psalm 40:1-3, “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.”
I was amazed at this newfound peace and courage. Naturally, I was concerned about how my husband, our children, and the family would handle the news. The “fixer” of the family was now the “broken” one. However, when they witnessed my new-found strength and perspective, it was apparent that God’s transforming power was now working in all of our lives. Even in the darkest moments of this journey – through the side effects, illnesses, and surgeries – we were going to fill our days with lots of laughter, positivity, prayers, and faith in God.
When my husband and I met with my oncologist, Dr. Tammy Young, she carefully explained my diagnosis of Stage 3 Locally Advanced Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma and the treatment thereof. We learned that my tumor was very large and that four rounds of chemotherapy would be administered in two-week intervals in an effort to shrink its size before any surgery could be performed. Once the mastectomy was completed, I would need four more rounds of chemotherapy, then radiation, and five years of estrogen blocking medication as my cancer cells were estrogen-receptor positive. Dr. Young was patient and thorough as we tried to comprehend the road ahead. In order to defeat the destructive disease that was locked inside my body, we took the determined approach of “whatever it takes.”
When my treatments began, I knew I was in the talented hands of the best team of doctors. One week after my first chemotherapy treatment, I experienced an unexpected bump in the road. Because chemo drugs not only kill the bad cells, but the good cells as well, patients must take extra precaution to combat germs which cause infections. When the good cells are destroyed, the immune system is weakened which makes it very hard to fight off infections. Much to our surprise, I contracted the West Nile Virus after being stung by a mosquito. I became extremely ill and was hospitalized with a fever as high as 105.9 degrees. Steadfast and strong, my family never left my side. Along with my doctors, they fought hard for my life while my body was helpless against the disease. I am truly grateful for the endless prayers I received from family and friends. I can attest that people on the receiving end of persistent prayers know first hand the outcome of those intercessions. After seven days in the hospital, the doctors agreed that I could go home after noticing signs of improvement. During my hospital stay, being two weeks after my first chemo treatment, I lost all of my hair and I was now wearing the turban. I was a real cancer patient, but without the violent fear of my circumstances.
Chemotherapy treatments were postponed until my body recovered from the damage caused by the West Nile virus. I was assigned a home healthcare nurse and slowly regained my strength. My chemotherapy resumed and after the fourth round, it was time for surgery to remove my left breast. Up until this point, my journey resembled a fast and furious whirlwind, to say the least. But as I moved into the next phase of treatment, I prayed for bolstered courage and strength in facing the exhaustion of the process and the indignities of my body being stripped of womanhood. In order to relinquish any future threat of recurrence in the unaffected breast, I made the decision to have both breasts removed. After a bilateral mastectomy, Dr. Ley conveyed the wonderful news to me and my husband that my cancer had successfully responded to the chemo drugs and there was no sign of cancer in my lymph nodes. He continued saying that this, along with removal of the breasts, put me in the optimal group for long-term results. After recovering six weeks from surgery, I received the final four rounds of chemo. It was then my doctors agreed that radiation would no longer be necessary as originally planned, and we could move forward with the reconstruction process. What a glorious day it was to hear that my cancer treatments were over and I was in remission!
I cannot begin to describe the depth of my gratitude for all the love and support I received from everyone in my life. I am so thankful for awareness, early detection, and yearly mammograms, in addition to my extraordinary team of doctors who cared for me throughout breast cancer treatment and the West Nile virus. I was so blessed throughout and for that reason, I am a Survivor.
I give my biggest “Thank You” to our Heavenly Father who awoke me from a deep sleep that mid-summer night to prepare me for a journey with Him that forever changed my life. I now see all aspects of my life in a brand new light and with a fresh perspective — fearless of adversity, fruitful in spirit, and hopeful with love for every moment of each day. Life is not perfect, but there is grace to be recognized in the good, the bad, the sad, and the ugly parts of our days. I am thankful for the abiding realization that we mothers do not always have the answers. This journey was a gift of hope, self-love, and forgiveness.
God knew my fears and he had a plan for me. For that reason, my journey is not over. There are thousands of women every year that are less fortunate in their experience with the disease and that is why I continue in the battle against breast cancer by helping to raise awareness with the hope that the future with be filled with more survivors, and even one day, a cure.
Worrying can result in depression and cause us to lose touch with our character and abandon our talents, hobbies, and interests. In order to prevent the disease assuming control, I believe it is important for cancer patients to live life as normal as possible while going through treatment. Different patients cope with their illnesses in various ways. For example, some alter their diet to incorporate healthier foods, others choose to meditate through yoga, and some consume their days researching the causes and cures of this disease. Although I tried all of the above, I found solace by immersing myself in my favorite hobby – interior decorating. Not wanting to waste another precious moment, my passion for decorating became a source of comfort and normalcy during the long days. My decorating was more than just surface changes such as paint colors and new pictures — I chose to engage in a massive renovation of our home with my best friend managing every inch of it. Everyday, I was eager to arrive home from work and admire the progress of the day. In a sense, the transformation of our home mirrored the personal transformation I was experiencing through my physical and emotional journey.
My advice to those who are battling breast cancer or to those who have a loved one affected by it, continue to fight with all of your might, love with all of your heart, and praise God for the blessings that come from your experience. Walk through this journey without fear, but instead with faith, hope, peace, love, and laughter. Let yourself bask in the happiness of simple things such as family backyard barbeques. Learn how to live.
So, if you’re looking for a worry wart, don’t look at me! My life is richer now than it ever was due to the lessons I learned through this journey. My perspective has shifted from temporal troubles, to eternal glory. I can now live life the way I believe God truly intended. So, let go, give God your fears, and trust that he has them in his control. I truly believe that God restores our joy through plans of His own. Mine just came in an unexpected package.
